just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
