someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
