Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So much Jack, so little girl.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
