I skipped work to stalk him.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
