Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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