god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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