The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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