The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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