Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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