When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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