I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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