well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
