ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
