Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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