He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
