omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
