I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
