ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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