Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
