What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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