Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
