Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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