I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
