it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
