So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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