she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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