She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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