you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
