If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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