woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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