I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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