did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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