this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
