So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
