I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
