it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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