if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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