I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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