Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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