my sisters under your porch take her home
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
