Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
