Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
