I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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