So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
