have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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