like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
