there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
