Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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