just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize