Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
