you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
