Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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