i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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