I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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