Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this just has baby written all over it
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
