if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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