mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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