I can tuck mytits in my pants
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
